Is your face embarrassingly inexpressive?

Do you appear unmoved at weddings? Indifferent at funerals?

Don’t worry. I have the answer:

Waitrose Hot Smoked Mackerel.

Keep a fillet tucked in your pocket and any time you feel social pressure to react in an emotional way, just pop a bit in your mouth.

It’s so fucking salty, it’ll have your facial muscles contorting like an epileptic gymnast forced at gunpoint to convolute in the most furious way possible or be killed in the face with the gun the man’s holding, the violent pervert!

OK, so it’s hard to get the dosage right. Too much and your face looks like your genitals are in a clamp. Not enough and it looks like Mother Nature and Botox are having a small but significant tiff on your face.

But whatever happens, at least it’ll stop people shouting ‘Robotface!’ at you in the street.

You uncaring bastard.