My local… Thai.

Just down the road from me is a north-eastern Thai restaurant. It has mock Tudor beams and walls that can only be described as horribly green. Most of the main courses are pretty ordinary and the service ranges from pleasantly camp to autistically blunt, depending on who you get. Over the last two years I’ve variously been bewildered, overcharged and downright offended. ‘Hang on,’ I hear you cry, ‘two years? Why in the name of Sodom do you keep going back?’

Three words, my friends: green papaya salad.

For the green papaya salad at Esarn Kheaw on Uxbridge Road in London is one of the most earth-shatteringly beautiful things on God’s Great Big World of Earth. Really, it’s astonishing. Go there; try it. It’s a revelatory experience. It’ll make you swear out loud. Through a mouthful partially-cogitated unripe papaya you will noisily burble the words ‘fuck’ and ‘me’. People might not know that’s what you’re saying. You might not know that’s what you’re saying, but I will, because I predicted it here on this blog merely seconds ago. As you may remember.

I must warn you of something, though. You WILL become addicted to the green papaya salad at Esarn Kheaw. You WILL go back again and again and probably even again. And you WILL sometimes end up offended or frustrated by the service. You might even be overcharged.

But there is hope for you as there has been hope for me. For I have the secret to eternal happiness. Yes, I do.

I tried making green papaya the other day after watching this vid and it worked a ruddy treat. A right royal ruddy treat. Honestly, it was bang on. And as easy as expelling urine from one’s genitals. Unless one is elderly. In which case it was very very slightly more difficult.

But does this mean I never have to darken the door of Esarn Kheaw again? Well… no. You see, there’s another problem. It’s called tom kha gai. It’s a rich, coconutty chicken soup with chillies, lime juice and galangal. Now, this one I’ve made at home before, and to very good effect. But whereas my papaya salad comes exceptionally close to the Esarn Kheaw original, alas, my tom kha gai, good as it is, doesn’t. Theirs, I’m afraid to say, is fucking amazing.

And then there’s their sausages. They don’t look much when they arrive. In fact they look like the dinner of an idiot; like a few barely cooked chipolatas with a small packet of KP thrown over them and a raw chilli resting on top. But like so many things in Thai cooking, the secret is in the balance of flavours. Hot salty sausage, crunchy peanuts, blisteringly-hot raw chilli and a few slices of sweet pickled ginger. This is not the dinner of an idiot – this is the creation of a genius.

There are other goodies: khanom jeep – Chinese style dumplings of pork and prawns with deep fried garlic and thick, sweet soy sauce provide a welcome respite from the chilli onslaught, and their tom yum soups are as tom yum soups should be – face-scrunchingly sour, salty and hot.

In fact all of the soups I’ve eaten there have been brilliant, as have all of the salads. The stir fries probably won’t change your life and although the curries are OK, they’re nothing compared to what you can make at home if you’ve got the patience to make your own pastes.

So, for now, despite everything that’s happened between us, Esarn Kheaw still has her spicy nails in me. And unless I can learn to equal her sausages and tom kha gai, it looks like it’s going to stay that way.

Thai green papaya salad

Serves 1

If you’re not too familiar with far eastern salads, I’d recommend eating this in your local Thai restaurant a few times before making it at home. It’s quite an unusual dish by western standards and you need to get a good feel for the balance of sweet, sour, salty and hot.

Thai people use a really big pestle and mortar to make green papaya salad, but if you don’t have one, you could probably get away with a large, sturdy bowl and a rolling pin. If you do it this way, make sure you chop the peanuts quite finely before you start. You can get green (unripe) papaya from Thai grocers.

It’s best to make one serving at a time. A medium-sized green papaya is enough for two servings.

Ingredients (per serving)

A large handful of shredded green papaya
A small handful of dried shrimps, chopped
1 small Thai red chilli, chopped
About 4 green beans, chopped into 2cm lengths
Half a clove of garlic, peeled and chopped
1 large handful of cherry tomatoes, halved
2 small handfuls of roasted peanuts (it’s fine if they’re salted)
1 tablespoon of palm sugar
1 tablespoon of fish sauce
1 tablespoon of lime juice

Method

First you’ll need to peel the papaya, then shred it. The easiest way to do this with a julienne tool. It looks like a peeler but it cuts things into very thin strips. If you’d rather do it with a knife there’s an explanation of the technique at the beginning of this vid. Once shredded, set the papaya aside.

Add to the mortar the green beans, red chilli and garlic and pound for about 10 seconds. Throw in the peanuts and dried shrimp and pound for another 10 seconds. Add the palm sugar and tomatoes and pound again, lightly.

Now introduce the lime juice, fish sauce and a large handful of shredded papaya. Give one last quick bruise and mix.

Lastly, taste the dressing – it should be salty, sour, hot, and a little bit sweet. If the balance isn’t quite right, adjust with your seasonings.

Green papaya salad is wonderful on its own, with some sticky rice, or with a few raw vegetables on the side (cucumber, green beans and wedges of white cabbage are particularly good). What am I saying? It’s not ‘wonderful’ – it’s fucking astonishing! Make it immediately or I’ll kill you in the face!